The London Underground or “Tube” is the lifeblood of London transport. It’s a magnificent system that allows you to move from one side of this huge city to the other within a matter of minutes. To really appreciate the tube, just try navigating your way across London by road. You’ll thank God someone thought of it.
Before you arrive, or as soon as you arrive, get hold of a tube map. Most hotel and attraction directions list the name of the closest tube station. Reading a tube map is usually as easy as a game of join the dots.
Travelling on the tube is a London experience in itself. By undertaking this journey, the people of London cordially request that you follow a number of unwritten laws. These include:
a) Don’t ask stupid questions – The British people are proud of their country and they want you to arrive home telling everyone what an absolutely smashing bunch they were. They are more than happy to go out of their way to help a lost tourist as long as the answer to a question isn’t staring them right in the face. Before you ask someone, take a look around.
For example, there is nothing more irritating to the well-seasoned commuter than to ask – “have we just passed Hammersmith?” as the train departs from a station plastered with huge Hammersmith signs on the walls. Staff and commuters will be helpful when devising your travel plans. Underground stations have very simple maps and signage displayed on most of the soot-sprinkled walls, with tube routes colour-coded to make them easy to understand.
When looking at the London Underground map, westbound is going to the left of the Tube schematic. If you have to go eastbound, then you go right. Northbound equals up, southbound - well, you can work it out. It’s been designed to meet the requirements of the most unfamiliar alien.
In fact, when the Underground opened in 1863, the first thing designer Sir Marcus Brunel said to his foreman was “Gary, be a good lad and slap a couple o’ maps up on the wall will ya? If one more French geezer asks me which way to Waterloo station I’m gonna use him as crash test dummy”, or something to that effect.
b) Purchasing a ticket - Speed is of the essence. The faster you buy, the less the people have to wait behind you. Try and have your change ready as well. Don’t go looking at all the coins and saying “ohh look, at this Prince William 5 pence. Doesn’t he look handsome?”
Don't hold your ticket next to magnetic things, such as handbag metals. This will wipe the magnetic strip, rendering it impossible to get through the barriers. Don't fold it to fit snugly in your pocket either, as this will damage the strip.
c) Riding the escalator – as a tourist you probably won’t be in much of a rush to get from point A to B. However, most Londoners travel to and from work on the Underground. Catching the next train or not, could be the difference between arriving at their desk before the boss notices they are late, or making it home in time to catch the Big Brother eviction show. Like driving a car, escalator traffic runs smoothly when slower vehicles stick to the right side and allow those in a hurry to race up and down the left side. To avoid disapproving looks and mumbled whispers from fellow commuters, stand on the right. You can always turn around to face your friend and waffle on about all the things you want to buy at the department store sales.
d) Walking the platform - Understandably, after scurrying busy streets and walking long tunnels, people just want to stop and wait for the train around the entrances to the platforms. Not only does this create congestion, but also fuel for frustration to many. If you wander further down the platform like a good tuber, it will make the wait more enjoyable and you are more likely to nab a seat once onboard. On the subject of walking, do it briskly and act as though you know where you are going. Don’t screech to a halt in the middle of the platform, because there could be someone balancing a coffee in one hand and a briefcase in the other right behind you.
When a train stops at a station, stand well clear of the doors allowing those onboard to come off the train first. Do not block the doors, as this will incite murmurs of contempt from those around you.
e) Mind The Gap – The famous recorded voice that greets every Underground train at every station. It will provide hours of entertainment amongst you and your friends, but save it until you get home, because if regular London tube riders hear one more out-of-towner giggle and laugh as they do their best voiceover impersonation half way round the Circle Line, they might just hurtle you into the gap themselves.
f) Riding the train – Once you board the train, silence and decorum are expected. If you must talk with a friend, do it at a very low volume or other passengers will give you a frowning look to say “what is that retched sound disturbing my reading, text messaging and vacant staring at boring advertisements”
Unless you have a genuine reason for touching someone, refrain from doing so. When choosing seats, don't sit right next to the only person on the carriage. Instead, sit as far away as possible, which tells them, “Yes, I’ve had a buggar of day too and hereby grant each of us a moments personal space in blessed silence”.
If you have a seat, and see someone more befitting of it than you then offer it to him or her. Not only will it earn instant respect from the person, but you will feel good about yourself too. And if you happen to be a man, it will also draw approving looks from that scrumptious girl you were trying to flirt with before you remembered the “no eye-contact” rule.
Speaking of which, if you are standing in a packed train, you may find yourself getting more intimate with complete strangers than you ever imagined. There is no helpful advice here other than pray they are attractive, or know that it will all be over soon enough.
Smiling should not occur. It is generally viewed that there is no valid reason for any positive emotion to be expressed while using this means of public transport. If any emotion is to be expressed, it should be a sullen, downcast, or generally depressed look. The one exemption to this rule is the sometime amusing announcements from drivers and station staff over the speakers, such as:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
For more Underground information see our section on Getting Around.
For more announcements and a borderline obsessive fascination with tube goings on visit the very amusing http://www.geocities.com/themole7/home2.html
For official information on the London Underground visit www.thetube.com
